SEX

I've been told that I am very easy to read. It's true too, I am not good at covering up my emotions. The worst part is the harder I try, the easier I am to read. Something always just manages to sneak out: a twitching of the eye, a flaring of the nostrils, a subtle movement of my eybrows. One insignificant movement and suddenly my innermost thoughts feelings and desires are made public.

Perhaps that is why I'm not very good at staring at women. I've never been able to perfect the art of passing complete strangers and not letting them know you think they're attractive. If I stare at the ground to long, I look like I've got something to hide. If I stare outright, I look at a pig. If I try to steal glances, I shift my eyes to much and look, well, shifty.

I understand that this is probably making me sound creepier than I really am, but it is a real problem. I just want to know how to subconciously send the subtle message of "we should have Earth shattering sex right here on the sidewalk" without anyone knowing.

Ah, if only life were like porn. There would be VIP rooms in librarys, orgies would break out like musical numbers in a Broadway show, people would be choppy and pixelated, and everyone in Japan would be animated and raped by tentacles.

Unfortunately we don't live in a magical porn land where there are rivers of Astroglide and Vibrators that register on the Richter scale. No, we live in a consumer society, and sex is a commodity, one that we put considerable value on. Everything, including intangible emotions like lust and love have a dollar value.

Ascribing value is a necessary thing, for if we don't put a dollar value on something, than that thing becomes worthless. Granted, there are plenty of those Master Card moments that are "priceless" but we still spend money getting to that moment. Money is simply a means to an end, and by totaling the wake we can find the true dollar amount of those moments that we deem priceless.

And that is why, my friends, I never pay for porn.